This is not my expression- I read it once in a Deborah Tannen book. It means that when there is waiting to be done, the person of lower status must wait for the person of higher status rather than the other way around. That’s why the boss has his assistant place a call for him, and then notify him when the telephone conversation can begin. His time is too important to waste dialling a phone number and waiting for the ringing to cease when the recipient of the call picks up the receiver.
People who are bosses do it all the time in the workplace and then occasionally they bring that superiority complex home, forgetting that their partners are their equals not their subordinates. And their partners, eager to show good naturedness are slow to call them on it, and after a few lapses, it becomes the norm for one partner to take on the role of the dime, allowing the other to be the dollar. We, silly subordinated partners, facilitate it even. We are good natured about waiting on street corners, about sitting alone in restaurants, about standing on porch steps (early in the relationship before house keys are exchanged), about sitting in hot parked cars. Why? Because the other person is “so busy”. His... (or her- but who are we kidding here? It’s the women who do the waiting!)... his time is “so valuable”. We are grateful for any shred of time that has been allotted to us.
It’s only when it has completely infiltrated the home front that it sinks in... when you hear that tone that is used with assistants: “You’ll need to call the lawn guy today” or “I’ll need to have this ready by tomorrow”... that’s when you realize that he thinks you’re on his payroll. But you’re not. You have a job too. A busy one, a prestigious one, a demanding one, a well-paying one. So why do we do that contortionist trick of seeing how far we can stretch and bend and twist to help someone else juggle their career and home life demands? Why do we rearrange our schedules to accommodate theirs? When has that arrangement ever been reversed?
It's really remarkable how we settle into these patterns of behaviour without realizing what is happening. Both parties are guilty- one for taking too much and one for giving too much. If I could do it over again, there's a lot I'd do differently.
Possibly the greatest disincentive to marriage. There is no such thing as an equal relationship, the balance of power is always on one side or the other, and society favours males. However, I think it is possible to be in a relationship in which both people are entirely comfortable with the inequality for whatever reasons, or one in which the balance subtly shifts back and forth and that maintains a healthy equilibrium over time.
ReplyDeleteI agree. Well said.
ReplyDeleteit's a very complicated and dynamic ....we each have our own strengths and weaknesses .... you have to look at specific contexts and so where one may be more or less powerful. Of course negotiation and communication between the partners is the ongoing work of any healthy relationship
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