I’ve been thinking a fair amount lately about when I should wrap up this blog. I’ve been doing so well lately in the ‘recovery’ process, and it seems a bit narcissistic to ramble on forever about minor daily ups and downs. What will be the sign that enough is enough? I considered singing my ‘swan song’ when I reached 10,000 hits on my site, which leaves me about one thousand left to go. It seems like a nice round number... sort of like Oprah shutting down after “25” years. Alternatively I thought I should set a reasonable benchmark- like 30 days without an emotional setback- as an indicator that I am over the hump and could no longer accurately claim to be in recovery. Or is it like being an alcoholic? Once a reject, always a reject? Once dumped, always woe-begotten? I should know, that being my life story and all! Another option would be to end my blog when my divorce becomes final in about 3 months or so- that sounds like a good time to fade out.
I mean it can’t go on forever right? I can’t maintain it forever. I can’t have my divorce recovery blog transition into a blog on “Learning to Love your Grey Hair” or “Sensational Sex in Your Sixties” or “Being a Single, Sexy Senior”.
One thing I do know for certain is that this blog will not conclude with a fairy tale ending. It will not slowly morph into a blog about dating again, or trusting again or finding love again. Not because I am ruling those things out entirely (unlikely and unwelcome as they are), but because I refuse to accept being in a new relationship as an indication of having successfully moved on. In fact I think a new relationship, undertaken too soon, is the antithesis of recovery. It is a distraction from reflecting on one’s part in the breakdown of the marriage. It creates a false sense of well-being and a false perception of what was wrong in the relationship. Everything smells like roses in a new relationship, and when compared with one’s marriage, it is all too easy to conclude that the marriage had become too much work, or had lost its magic, or had never felt this good. It’s all too easy to conclude that the problem was that the previous partner was deficient. How can I compete with a woman who doesn’t have to raise his children, clean his house and organize his life? I think I actually understand now that statement that some men just can’t be alone, so when one relationship ends (or before it ends) they have another one in place to move on to. (Sorry to end the previous sentence with grammatical awkwardness, but it sounds too pedantic to say “they have another one in place to which to move on”.) As my friend SP said “Men need a soft place to land”, and I was that soft place when his previous marriage ended. Now he’s got another soft place where he can keep warm without me.
Oops a bit of bitterness creeping into my words there! Perhaps that should be my benchmark- when I can genuinely wish my husband well in his new relationship, then I’ll know that I’ve fully recovered... then I’ll believe that our breakup was a good thing because I’ll be so fulfilled in my new life... as a nun, as a bespectacled, round-shouldered old professor or as the wacky neighbourhood lady who takes in all the stray animals.
So just as I was thinking that I was doing too well to continue writing a blog on divorce recovery, I had a major setback this weekend. Three days of tears, endless sleeping, and the return of the death wish (hence my two day hiatus from blogging). I’ve sorted that out now with my creator and I think I understand what was going on (more on this tomorrow), but it made me realize that perhaps I am not quite as recovered as I thought I was. Perhaps I was being a tad hasty in my self-diagnosis.
On a happier note, I should add that I am getting tremendously affirming feedback from readers (in 30 countries!), and apparently my experiences are resonating with women and providing comfort as they see themselves in my descriptions of grief, pain, depression and occasional triumphs on this road back to being whole. That alone is reason enough to keep writing.
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