I’ve learned that my obligation to acknowledge my offenses in a broken relationship must in no way be related to the likelihood of the other person acknowledging the character required on my part to look past his or her hurtfulness to see my own guilt. I’ve learned that my obligation to admit my mistakes comes with the risk that the other person considers the matter closed upon learning of my confession. In fact my admission may very well liberate the other from any compulsion to self-interrogate. It may leave him or her eternally free from the burden of wrestling down any doubt about his or her own innocence.
I’ve learned that my obligation to forgive must in no way be related to the likelihood of the person who hurt me acknowledging that he or she did so. I’ve learned that my obligation to forgive is not lessened by the likelihood that the forgiven person may deny requiring it... may throw it back in my face even.
I’ve learned that my obligation to forgive is an obligation to myself. It is an act of self-love that allows me to purge the anger, let go of the hurt, release the righteous indignation so that I can fill up the space consumed by those things with tiny fragile sprouts of peace and grace and dare I say it... happiness- or at least the potential for happiness.
I’ve gone eight days without being felled by knee-buckling pain. A year ago at this time, I could not last eight minutes without collapsing under the weight of emotional anguish. I have no doubt that I will always brush up against an occasional wave of pain that his family and friends who had become my family and friends were as prepared to let me fall off the radar screen as he was. And I know that as long as I live I will bear the scars of being so completely broken by my husband’s rejection- by the very man who assured me that I could dismiss the sentinels who’d been guarding my heart against yet another disappointment.
I know that I’m not done crying. I’m not done hoping. But I am done being defined by this. I am done being defined by one man’s rejection of me.
Forgiveness is the first step in healing
ReplyDeleteI know you're not done crying and I am SO happy that you finally understand that this does NOT define you! This has NEVER defined you!!
ReplyDeleteAllyson, what strength of character is displayed when we forgive, and what a gift it is we give ourselves when we do. I'm sure you're standing taller already. And yes, it's OK to say that happiness may sprout again. As a matter of fact, you must believe that you deserve it again.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you, my kindred spirit!
Wow that resonates with my experience last July when I learned that there were facts of a situation and then the stories we imbue those facts with and until we clear those stories out of the way there is nothing left but possibility.
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