A year ago tonight was the last night I would spend as someone's wife. In the morning I would be up at dawn, to drive to the apartment to do the 'moving in' inspection and sign the rental forms. Then back to the house by 7:00 am to meet the movers. I encountered my husband at some point that morning as he left for work. He offered to help. I couldn't possibly understand what his offer meant. Did he mean that he would help me load things into my car? Did he mean that he would drive over to the apartment with me and set up the beds. Was he offering to lend me money? How could I allow the man who wanted me gone to help expedite the process? What I wanted was to be in his arms. What I wanted was his assurance that this would only be for a short while until we could figure things out. What I wanted was for him to tell me he loved me, that he would see me for dinner.
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I've just had a quick peek at our wedding photos, and the slideshow I made for him with pictures documenting each stage of the construction of the house we designed together. It's become hard to remember he was ever that happy with me. That house- that life we planned together has entirely burned to ash. I still cannot believe how easily he has gone on without me.
Today is a hard day. My knees have buckled. Tomorrow I go to my lawyer and make it official. Then maybe I can go on too... without him. But not tonight.... tonight I am in mourning.
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