See what you lost when you left this world

For some time now, life has felt like that dinner party we’ve all been to that lasted an hour too long. Promising, awkward, pleasant, engaging and then … the denouement (which goes unnoticed until the guests suddenly find themselves tired, resentful, minds blurry, and puzzled about when the conversation had become so tedious.)   I've just not been able to figure out what I am still doing here.  Like those guests at the party who ought to have left at the high point of the evening instead of lingering too long after coffee.

It’s hard to explain it without causing each of you reading this blog to think you should phone 911.  It’s just been a level of fatigue that was unprecedented.  Even when my father was dying and I was a single mother and a doctoral student and spending my weekends on the 401 driving to see him,  I didn’t feel as tired as I felt when my marriage ended.  My  very bones were weary, my spirit depleted and I thought on many occasions, that it was time to make like an octogenarian (except 40 years younger) and die peacefully, hoping to hear the words “Well done” at the finish line.  I’ve felt so tired that I’ve asked God to let me fall asleep for good, not actually believing that anyone would be impacted by my absence, not even my daughter.  As the song goes “Didn’t you think you were worth anything?” Depression leads to really twisted thinking. I’ve even made suggestions to God “How about a quick cardiac arrest?” “A brain aneurysm?”  Something quick and not messy so as not to traumatize the one who finds me. It has continued to amaze me that I’ve been relentlessly healthy, in spite of these fierce prayers for an early demise.  More distorted thinking can be found amongst the pages of my numerous journals in which I predict that a vengeful God will deny me death, and then just when I’m back on my feet, or when my husband wants to reconcile, or when I find true love, He will swoop in and deliver my death wish... when I no longer wish for it. I know that is not who He is, but self-loathing and defeatism are part of the depression package.

I’m well past this now, so no need to fret or send me frantic emails, but please do look around you.  If someone you love has a broken heart or an empty spirit, go put your arms around them, like my mother, my daughter and my God did for me. Tell them they are not alone, no matter how abandoned they feel.