My new bed partners: Books

I ordered a book online today called “The Path of Loneliness”. It was written by Elisabeth Elliot -a woman who has lost two husbands: one to murder and one to cancer. Now there is someone who knows about loss. I read another book about loss recently by Kay Arthur. She and her first husband married young, were immature and self-involved - all of which led them to separate after a brief marriage. As time went by, he made an increasing number of requests that they seek counselling for reconciliation. She refused and he committed suicide. She lives with that guilt every day. I have become the queen of self-help books these days. I am not exactly learning anything new – I think I am past epiphanies about my own situation now... it is what it is. I am however deriving that wonderful sense of connectedness you feel when finding that someone else has articulated what you thought was your own unique experience, and they’ve done it with words that you’d not considered using and in ways that would not have occurred to you. It is that happy feeling that another human being ‘gets’ you. It was the best foreplay imaginable for me in my marriage. I used to love those long drawn out conversations in which we’d solve the political problems of all the nations, address all the social injustice in the world and congratulate ourselves on how much we’d have to offer the United Nations – if only they’d invite us to speak. Without a husband, I have turned back to books now as a source of that intoxicating feeling of being part of something bigger, of having kindred spirits, soul mates. I catch glimpses of it when having meaningful conversations with friends and loved ones or intellectual conversations with other academics, but it is not quite the same as what I had with my husband. We enjoyed our conversations so much and I always came away feeling like I had a partner, a like-minded friend with whom to go through life and fend off negative forces. It is hard to imagine that he doesn’t miss that too. Surely that level of intimacy and camaraderie cannot be simply conjured up with any interlocutor. Don’t you have to have years of shared experiences, constructed and anticipated positions on issues, and co-created worldviews? Can he have that already with her? I think I’d be less offended to learn that she was a better sexual partner than to learn that she was a better conversational partner. I’m tired and I have to be up in 6 hours. I can either do my work-out or go to a bed with a book. I’ll opt for the book... I’ve always lived more in my head than in my body- besides there’s less sweat involved.