Digging in my Heels

"I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength"

This was my daily bible verse today (from Philippians 4:11-13 for those of you are inclined to look it up).  The theme of the lesson was learning to be content with being single again.  I don’t know why that is so hard for me.  I can be extremely flexible when it comes to adjusting to change in other areas of my life because my material needs are pretty basic.  When I was a single mother in my 30’s with a toddler, I used my credit card to finance my PhD. My bank account was often at $0.00 by the end of the month, and it didn’t really feel like any great hardship to wait for my next cheque before buying groceries.  I have a good job now and a decent salary, but my lifestyle hasn’t changed much. I still buy my shoes at PayLess, my jewellery at WalMart, my makeup at Shoppers DrugMart and my groceries at No Frills.  I was raised in about 700 square feet, and then went off to university in Toronto and lived above a Caribbean hair salon where the smell of the chemical hair straighteners drove all the cockroaches upstairs. In China I lived in a tiny mountaintop place that I shared with lizards, roaches and mice and sipped my tea on a porch that I shared with mangy dogs and a rooster. Until a year ago, I was living in a house out of Better Homes and Gardens... over 4000 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms, a Jacuzzi, a balcony off the master bedroom, a walk-out from the basement, the whole deal.  I should have felt like I’d hit the jackpot, but it didn’t feel like that big of a deal.  I was pretty much equally content with each of the places I’ve lived in over the years.   I’ve had vacations in a friend’s half-built cottage with no walls for privacy in my bedroom, and I’ve stayed in breathtaking resorts on tropical islands in Asia.  They were all lovely.  I don’t need a lot to be happy. 

But I can’t figure out how to be happy without my husband.  I can’t do that “Just be glad for the time you had together” thing.  In the next few months, my job is taking me to 4 different countries on three continents.  I am working on wonderfully exciting and rewarding projects dealing with poverty and social justice and endangered languages.  I am getting on with life in the sense that I am not frozen in time as an abandoned woman.  I am not paralysed by my despair, but I can’t accept that I was wrong about having the love that lasts a lifetime.  I can’t accept that I must learn to be content with being single, (or perhaps that I must learn to try yet again to get it right with someone new.) If I am wrong about the feeling I had the day I married him, then I cannot ever trust the voice in my head again.  I cannot ever believe that I am really safe, that I can settle in and relax into a love that won’t be repudiated.  If I am wrong about trusting my husband that we were meant to be together, then I am pretty much wrong about everything my whole life has been about.  I can’t be content with that (sorry God!).  I can’t accept that.  Some things HAVE to be sacred.  Some things HAVE to be forever.  Some people HAVE to be true to their word.  If not, then nothing makes sense.