Fence Sitting and Bartering

My biggest problem is that I am a waffler. I am only convinced about the correctness of a certain point of view until the opposing one is compellingly presented to me by the next person who comes along. That is true even with respect to my marriage. I can go from thinking that the break up was mostly my fault to mostly his fault in the same day. I can start my morning believing that my former husband gave up, was a coward and an avoider but by lunch I’ll be achingly aware of the times I drove him away, said hostile words and behaved badly.

A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with an old friend from high school. Actually he was not my friend in high school but we had friends in common. We have not seen or spoken to each other since 1980, but recently he’s started reading my blog and we met for lunch while he was in Toronto. I asked him why he wasn’t more friendly to me in high school and his reply was that I was too much of a ‘granola girl’ (by which I am sure he meant wholesome, natural or girl-next-door-ish rather than flaky, boring or uptight). Anyway here’s the thing: he’s going through a separation too, and as we chatted we realized that I was probably voicing the same complaints about my marriage as his wife has voiced about theirs and vice versa. When he explained his position on some issues, I could imagine my former husband using the exact same lines. So is it gender? Middle age? Menopause? 'Men'-o-pause?

I wish I could once and for all understand what happened without second guessing myself and without arriving at a different conclusion each time about the prospects for reconciliation. I don’t even know how to pray about this- and praying is something I do a lot of. I subscribe to just about every free daily inspirational email message available. One is called “Encouraging words” and each day it gives a teaching about prayer. One day it will instruct me to wait patiently to see what great plans God has for me. The next day it will say to badger God with my petition relentlessly by reminding Him of how my petition fits with His nature. “Okay God- so you created us, man and woman, to be companions. The bible says you hate divorce. I want my marriage restored, so please make my husband love me again.” Another day it will tell me to follow the example of the spiritual giants in the bible who challenged God to make good on His promises in the absence of clear proof that He is in fact working it all out for a greater good. “So God you say you have great plans for me but you’re not really dropping any hints about what the plan is. What’s the deal here?”

The only sign I can see that maybe God’s hand is at work bringing change to my life is that my job is growing increasingly stimulating and rewarding, but please don’t tell me that my marriage had to end to make more room in my life for my job. Is this all about being the best darned professor out there? Is that my great legacy to the world? I mean I could live with having to be single because God needs me to open an orphanage or turn my house into a school for Afghan girls, but did I have to lose my marriage because God wanted me to be a career girl? Maybe this pain would be worthwhile if the reason that my marriage ended is because, had it not, then I would not have moved next door to a senior citizens' home... and if that seniors' home should suddenly burst into flames one night next month, then I would not have been nearby- out walking my dog-, and could not have rescued all the bedridden seniors from the fire..... well that would probably make gut-wrenching depression worthwhile. But I’ve got a better idea God- why not make my husband love me again, and then make me an internationally famous marriage counsellor who saves the marriages of powerful people who then go on to bring democracy and peace to the Middle East. That would work too, wouldn’t it? Come on God, work with me here.