The day of reckoning is not far away. I am eligible to file for divorce at the end of this month. It will be one year on March 31st since I last slept in the matrimonial home. I am of two minds about how to proceed on this. On the one hand it could be argued that since HE got to unilaterally decide the marriage was over, I get to take back some power by being the one to file for divorce. I asked him several times ,when he refused to consider reconciliation, if his intention was to divorce me, and each time he answered that he hadn’t thought about it yet- which, when you think about it, is really odd. I mean if you have no desire to save the marriage, why wouldn’t you want to sever all ties? Why would you leave those loose ends? He IS an avoider though, and so I guess he could be looking to avoid being the one to legally end the marriage. If that is the case, then if I file for divorce, I make it easy for him by dealing the deathblow to our union. It would enable him to truthfully say that I was the one who moved out and I was the one who filed for divorce, which, to an outsider, would mean that I therefore must have been the one who gave up on the marriage. Et voilà, his conscience is clear and he is officially and legally free of the ‘cage’ which was our marriage (as he described it 3 months ago).
The person who files has the lion’s share of the legal cost, and for that reason I’d rather stick him with the bigger bill, but by waiting for him to initiate the divorce, I feel as though I am allowing him to continue to have power over my life. It will be a simple divorce. He had the legal separation all worked out within a couple of weeks of my departure. There is nothing to haggle over, no pensions, no joint property. No re-visiting of past decisions is permitted. He made sure of all that. He kept the 4000 square foot house and all its contents. I got my downpayment back. To be fair, he also has the mortgage that goes with a house that size, but nevertheless he certainly got the better end of the deal.
I was told once by a wise woman that if you pray for direction about how to proceed on a difficult matter, and you don’t receive a clear answer, then it is best to interpret that to mean that you should just leave things the way are, and not take any action until further notice. So perhaps that’s what I should do here. If I don’t feel a clear sense that I am meant to file for divorce, then I’ll sit tight for a bit... unless of course it turns out that the reason he’s been stalling is that he wants to ask about my benefit plan again. That being the case- I’ll have my lawyer on the phone within 5 minutes!
Yes, you will pay more if you initiate the filing. As far as who has more power over each other's life. You are both in the same position so theoretically its neutral, because either one of you could file. I would try and make him file for the main reason that he was the one that initiated this, so he is the one that should see it through.
ReplyDeleteOf course there is a mental cost of this hanging over your head which he might not feel. If that is the case then file at your convenience.
I think his conscience is going to be clear regardless of what happens, because he will rationalize certain events and perceive them differently than you do or did.
so... like the wise woman said wait until you get that sign and if he does ask about the benefit plan don't call you lawyer, (that costs $$) tell him to #@!!%^&.
Well, he was certainly in a rush to get the legal separation. If he is in another relationship, perhaps she'll pressure him to dissolve all ties. I'd wait, but not out of hope for reconciliation, just so that it's not easier for him. So far, he's had an easy ride, even in terms of accepting his role in the whole break-up -- he needs to man-up.
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